Monthly Archives: May 2007

Tale of the Scale: 5/29

No change is weight. Again.

Damn, this is getting frustrating. I must admit, when I look at myself after my shower, I seem more toned. I even saw some indication of where a couple ribs lie below the skin. And some “dimpling” of the skin that makes me think things are leaning up a bit. Maybe I’m building more lean muscle and that’s why the scale isn’t moving. THAT would make me happy.

I kicked those negative thoughts to the curb last week; I ate right along the line all week; I worked out 5 days, including 3 weight sessions. Everything I’m supposed to do. Everything that resulted in 1.5# losses every week for about 6 weeks in a row.

I’m praying for the lean muscle mass. If that’s not the answer, then I don’t know what to do next. One of the trainers suggested doing some interval training to shake things up. I think tomorrow I’ll spend my cardio time on the rowing machine. Another way to shake things up.

Guido called in sick today (sounded like post-holiday food poisoning…), so today was cardio that kicked my butt and stabilization moves. Tomorrow will repeat today and Thursday will be a full weight training session with Guido.

With only next week left before I go on vacation for 2 weeks, I’m hoping for a session that’s only teaching me some core moves I can do easily on the cruise.. plus a full weight/BMI analysis next week. Then two weeks of walking all over the Mediterranean.

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Disaster Strikes Chez Roby!!

Disaster Struck Chez Roby Tuesday evening! One of my favorite “take a minute” activities is going out on the deck, plopping my butt down in our porch swing and swinging for a minute or twenty. It’s shady, the view is great and I can stop and think. Or not.

Tuesday, the spouser was enjoying the very same activity when CRASH, BOOM, BANG! And he was sitting at an angle on the deck.

Yep, the swing took a bit of a break of it’s own. That is, the hook that holds the swing into the beams snapped into three pieces and one side of the swing fell down. It’s only been one day, but I miss my swing time. Hopefully we figure out a fix this weekend. The hardware you see here:

should be hanging somewhere in the air.

Tale of the Scale 5/22

Weight on the scale this morning: 133#

I am deeply happy today. I have been since early in walking Bay to Breakers on Sunday.

Most of the rest of this post is not going to be pretty; if you hold on to the end, though, I think you’ll find a light at the end. But if you’re having a bad day, or a bad week.. just skip this. It will be here when you’re in a better place to read it.

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I was raised in an abusive household.

No, I was not physically beaten nor was I sexually abused. My father was emotionally absent most of the time; when he did contribute anything, it was to suggest that I settle for what I have as long as I am not UNHAPPY (Happy? Too high a goal to aim for). My mother emotionally and verbally abused me from the time I was little until she could not longer speak about 10 years ago.

What’s this got to do with getting healthy?

When I venture in any activity where I might make positive changes in life, the old “scripts” from my childhood come back and play in head. Trying to defeat me. Daring me to ignore them and succeed.

And if you check back over the past two months of these Tales, you will read me saying I’ve grown complacent. What I really mean is that I reached the half way point to my goal. And I was no longer unhappy with my body. Not happy, but not unhappy. My father’s lessons have been ringing loudly in ears:

If you look at your body first thing in the morning and you are not unhappy with its appearance, why not simply settle for where you are? Why work any harder to lose more? And, why, for goodness sake pay someone to teach you how to exercise? If you can’t do that for yourself, maybe you shouldn’t be trying at all.

Settle for what you’ve got. Why risk trying to be successful at something? It’s not like it will get you more money (the standard by which every worthwhile activity is judged. Will it make you more money?) Accomplishments for their own sake are vain-glorious exercises.

So my exercise and eating right routine has been waged against this nearly constant rhythm inside my head.

Settle. You are not unhappy.

Why work so hard?
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Signing up for Bay to Breakers (walking in my first race) was another huge challenge to the ways things have been. I did about the same time I hit the half-way point. The script from my father got louder.

Settle. You are not unhappy.

Still I persisted. This past weekend my mother’s voice decided to chime in because it looked like I was going to succeed inspite of my background.

You are a worthless whore!

You are a not unhappy worthless whore. Why bother to work any harder??

My mother’s voice almost succeeded in making sure that I did not make it Sunday. How could a not unhappy worthless whore try to accomplish a simple task like walking 7.5 miles across a city with thousands of other people?

Yet Sunday morning I got up on time. I ate my oatmeal and banana. I got dressed. I drove to BART and joined a trainful of other people who were going to walk 7.5 miles across a city. Happy, worthwhile people.

I followed them to find my staging area, waited and eventually stepped over the START line.
As I walked through the city, it felt like a 50 pound weight flew up off my shoulders. My mother shut up! My father shut up!

I took back my power from the negative thoughts.

And I was suddenly so very deeply happy.

And I still am.

New Moon: 5/16

From AstroWisdom’s notes … on this week’s NEW MOON IN TAURUS:

Taurus is the great procrastinator of the zodiac. It can always find more than enough distractions: shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, carpooling, errands, paying bills, caring for loved ones, and never-ending yard work. If you are a procrastinator, use this New Moon to make some serious commitments to setting goals for getting your work done…and adhering to them. Since Taurus rules procrastination, work on taming this demon and you will see your success rate soar!

Taurus needs to enjoy its work. So if you make your living doing what you love, you are way ahead of the game. But if you spend your time at a job you despise because you can’t figure out how to get paid to do what you love, this is the New Moon to work on changing that reality. This basically comes down to building self-confidence, believing in the value of your talent and then doing the work. Creativity isn’t about genius; it is really about giving from the heart. Anything, when done well (even sidewalk sweeping) can be satisfying and creative work. Chiron in Aquarius asks us all to look at our wounding around issues of originality and staying ahead of the curve.

Ok, so this woman is living in my head or what? If you don’t know what I mean check out today’s post from A Stitch A Time. I actually do have an Accomplish This This Week list on my white board in my work room. I’ve accomplished about half the things on the list, and accomplished some things that I didn’t write down.

I need to get back to daily “to do” lists and hold my feet to the fire on them.

The SC&A Graduation Address:

I do not know who authors Sigmund, Carl and Alfred, but I was absorbed by the graduation address authored at the blog. The part that really got to me:

As taxpayers, we adults- besides your parents that are in blissful denial as it relates to your mediocrity- have made peace with the reality that our tax money will not change the fact that you are barely educable and literate. There are no silk purses from a sow’s ear. The average reading level of college graduates hovers somewhere between 8th and 9th grade. That means half of you cannot read at that level. Now, turn around again and look at mommy and daddy. See their smile? That means they are going to buy you something to help you get over the trauma of being confronted by the reality that many of you can barely read.

Remember this: The fact that most of you are idiots does not mean that your opinions are of any merit whatsoever. Mommy and daddy may have to put up with your drivel, because you know, you are so ’special,’ but we do not.

The link to the Flesch-Kincade Readability Test added by author.

Another Moving Meditation on the Treadmill

Am I boring you yet? Too Bad. I’m working through a lot of things and this is a good way for me to firm it out.

Anyway, Wednesday spent some time again meditating on the treadmill. Trying to figure out exactly why I’m feeling that I’ve had some level of success in this get strong/lose weight adventure and I’m wondering why I’ve lost my mojo.

I know I get out of the bath in the morning, and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I am not unhappy with the way I look. I could stay here and not be unhappy. Then I put clothes on, and the lose skin and belly fat re-arranges itself to present a less pleasing picture. And reality sets in.

But still…

It was at this point in the walk that I heard my father’s voice saying the things he said my whole life: If you’re kind of happy with the success you’ve had already, why bother working harder? Why not settle for what you’ve already done? It’s enough.

“Settle” it should be my family’s motto!!

Did you know that the messages that little girls get from the adult men in their lives are the keys to how these women will be as adults? Fathers, uncles, godfathers, etc. teach little girls how to act as a woman, what to expect from a man, and what to expect from herself.

I’ve spent my life hearing that I should settle for what’s easy, what doesn’t take hard work, what’s at hand. When I aimed higher and didn’t get it, my parents would tell me that I should set my standards lower.

We won’t go into some of the nightmares created by THAT message.

Anyway, when I realized that it’s father’s voice that’s holding me back, NOW I HAVE WAY TO ATTACK THE PROBLEM. It would be wonderful if I could find strong positive messages from my father or others to simply substitute for what I’m hearing. Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
Instead, I am going to have to write my script and simply OUTSHOUT my father’s practical but sorry teachings.

Working on the script today.

What would you say to yourself to motivate yourself through to success??

Tale of the Scale, 5/08/07

Weight: 136#. No significant lost again this week.

Yesterday I chose to do my cardio work without my MP3 player and headphones as a distraction. I popped on a treadmill, set it at nice 3.2 MPH pace with a slight incline, closed my eyes and did some moving meditation.

It’s interesting trying to meditate when one guy is pushing too much weight and screaming loudly enough to be heard outside the gym. Or when weights crash. Or when the gal next to you must take a call on her cellphone. I let these things enter and pass and returned to trying to deeply concentrate.

And I had an “Ah-Ha!!” Moment. Just what I was hoping for.

Why have I become so friggin complacent (go back and read that word a whole lot recently)? It came to me. I am afraid of succeeding.

Now I’m doing a whole post or series of posts on this, so I won’t spend time today getting into details. But when it comes to weight loss and fitness, I need to figure out what I get by succeeding vs. what I get from staying where I’m at.

Plans for this week are the same as they have been for the past weeks. Additional goal: keep my fat intake to below 22%. If I keep my calories and fat intake at prescribed levels, I may have a beer (and garlic fries??) at the baseball game on Friday night.