Hang in here with me. I’ve set the kitchen timer at 15 minutes and whatever I’ve done when it goes off.. that will be my muddle for the today.
Because I’m muddling through a thought. I’m not sure exactly where it’s going.
I’m reading Quiet Mind, Fearless Heart by Brian Luke Seaward. In one of the early pages he says:
Change is often associated with stess, because with change comes uncertainity, and uncertainty breeds fear. Fear clouds the mind and robs the heart of its highest potential.
Just before reading this, I was thinking about parts of my gym workout. How every time I go to do bench presses with free weights, I’m a little scared. I always waffle about should I stick with a lighter weight or go with the one that challenges me? When my arms begin to buckle and quit (ie. I hit muscle failure), I don’t push on through one more key repetition; I stop out of fear.
Yet I can’t pinpoint what it is I’m afraid of. I know it’s not that I will somehow drop the weight on my head; it’s not that I will injure myself; it’s not about look the fool on the freeweight floor (plenty of “muscle heads” do that all the time and are oblivious to it).
It’s simply that I don’t trust myself.
Trust myself to make me do that last hard repetition. Trust myself to push through that challenging wall. Trust myself to do it all alone. Trust myself.
Yes, when I’m working with Guido, he can spot that exact second. His “I’m right here…” with a hand to support the failing arm gets me to the end of the exercise. I transfer some of my trust from myself to him.
Which allows me to get the work done; which teaches me what my potential is. Which steal me of some of the trust in myself.
I have to remember how that trust feels and keep it for myself next time. Accept the help, god yes! But accept it as a lesson in learning to trust myself.