Tale of the Scale: Question and Answer

Reading Marste’s blog Take Up Your Bed and Walk, I was all ready to answer her latest question with a full affirmative reply.

Then I took a breathe and felt into the corners of my heart and the edges of my ego.  I had to stop and take several hard breathes.  Then I had come here and blog.

If you don’t read her (and thank you MizFit for pointing her out), Marste writes a lot about dieting and emotional health.  In her Dieting, Health and the $64,000 question post, she posited:

What if you did all the “right” things, got the “right” amount of exercise, had perfect blood pressure and cholesterol numbers, never ate anything but unprocessed, organic food, could run 5-10 miles easily and without getting out of breath and every doctor you saw said you were the healthiest person they’d ever seen?  Pretty great, right?  Now imagine that you wake up tomorrow and all those things are true, BUT YOUR BODY IS STILL EXACTLY THE SAME.

Are you happy with yourself?  Or do you hate yourself just as much?

See, the thing is, since I’ve been exercising and changing to a healthier way of eating, my blood pressure is good; my cholesterol has never been better; I will never run but I give myself a kick-ass cardio workout; my doctor thinks I’m the healthiest person of my age.. and healthier than many people 10-15 years younger. I mostly eat simple healthy food. And I’m proud of my accomplishments.

Exactly what I wanted when I started this journey 20 months ago.

Except. I still have about 4 pounds of fat around my middle that I can’t shed. And I hate it. I hate my middle.  I’ve hated it for years and the hate continues.

Except. When my spouse goes out of town for several days, the first two days I normally eat fairly poorly. No one to hold my standards to but myself, and I intentionally eat things that I don’t really want, things that go against what I know I should eat, and what I normally eat.

It’s nothing severe, nothing drastic except that it’s secret, it’s wrong and it’s self-destructive.  I’m sure the message is “how do I derail my own progress now?”

I’d love to say that when I burn through these last couple pounds I will be at a place where I can be happy with me.  But, really, I can never find that place in an external accomplishment.

I need to find that place first.

I need to be happy with the me I am today no matter who I am.

There is still a lot to work on my journey.  And it looks like some of it will have to be done right where I am right now.  No gym, no track, no adrenaline high mean anything until I find acceptance for myself in myself.

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3 responses to “Tale of the Scale: Question and Answer

  1. This is an excellent response to Marste’s post, Deb (I’d never read her blog until I saw your link on Twitter tonight…so thanks for pointing it out, even though I’m sure I would’ve seen it here, too!). I think I’ll need to put some thought into this and maybe write a post of my own. Emerging from a past of disordered eating does play a factor, so I definitely couldn’t say that I’d be ALL ABOUT gaining 50 lbs, even if I was guaranteed to be healthier than I am now. It’s tough to think about…

  2. Thanks for sharing Marste’s post and I love your musing on her $64,000 question. I think that constancy is not something we should be shoot for. Like the ocean, our energy moves in tides and it is THROUGH the movement (not in spite of it) that we achieve stability.

    I feel like we just have to accept some self-consciousness as a natural force within us. If it is too strong, we are off balance, but if it isn’t there at all we have another problem entirely.

    . . . And lest I give the wrong impression, I am not advocating crazy body image stuff, just acceptance of the range of feelings we encounter, and a possible way to encounter them that nuetralizes the charge they have on us . . .

  3. Readding.
    Nodding.
    You two have said it far better than I could & led me to ponder if we, as humans, will ever reach a stage where we DON’T mullSTRUGGLE with this?

    M.

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