Reading Marste’s blog Take Up Your Bed and Walk, I was all ready to answer her latest question with a full affirmative reply.
Then I took a breathe and felt into the corners of my heart and the edges of my ego. I had to stop and take several hard breathes. Then I had come here and blog.
What if you did all the “right” things, got the “right” amount of exercise, had perfect blood pressure and cholesterol numbers, never ate anything but unprocessed, organic food, could run 5-10 miles easily and without getting out of breath and every doctor you saw said you were the healthiest person they’d ever seen? Pretty great, right? Now imagine that you wake up tomorrow and all those things are true, BUT YOUR BODY IS STILL EXACTLY THE SAME.
Are you happy with yourself? Or do you hate yourself just as much?
See, the thing is, since I’ve been exercising and changing to a healthier way of eating, my blood pressure is good; my cholesterol has never been better; I will never run but I give myself a kick-ass cardio workout; my doctor thinks I’m the healthiest person of my age.. and healthier than many people 10-15 years younger. I mostly eat simple healthy food. And I’m proud of my accomplishments.
Exactly what I wanted when I started this journey 20 months ago.
Except. I still have about 4 pounds of fat around my middle that I can’t shed. And I hate it. I hate my middle. I’ve hated it for years and the hate continues.
Except. When my spouse goes out of town for several days, the first two days I normally eat fairly poorly. No one to hold my standards to but myself, and I intentionally eat things that I don’t really want, things that go against what I know I should eat, and what I normally eat.
It’s nothing severe, nothing drastic except that it’s secret, it’s wrong and it’s self-destructive. I’m sure the message is “how do I derail my own progress now?”
I’d love to say that when I burn through these last couple pounds I will be at a place where I can be happy with me. But, really, I can never find that place in an external accomplishment.
I need to find that place first.
I need to be happy with the me I am today no matter who I am.
There is still a lot to work on my journey. And it looks like some of it will have to be done right where I am right now. No gym, no track, no adrenaline high mean anything until I find acceptance for myself in myself.