I have been blogging for something akin to 8 years now -on 3 different blogs in 2 different platforms plus my 5 year stint as a Contributing Editor for BlogHer. I’ve been picked up by Huffington Post. In that time, I’ve had periods where I have blogged multiple times a day, blogged on a schedule, blogged every weekday on multiple blogs.
I’ve NEVER blogged as inconsistently as I have been over last year or so. This past year, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about writing:
- Do I think I have nothing to share with others about living a healthy life? NO.
- Do I feel irrelevant because the “back theme” of my writing is slanted to the impacts of menopause on healthy living? A little. With most in the blogging community in their 30s and 40s, that might put me on a specialized track. But most of what I write about applies if you are 15 or 115.
- Have I lost my passion? No.
So obviously the problem has nothing to do with blogging itself. The challenge sits firmly in a different direction. I believe I may have finally figured it out.
Last week, I had my annual check up with my friendly and fabulous neurologist. I was sent to him when I started reacting badly to the meds my doctor used to help me through my insomnia. Since then, we’ve been adjusting my meds and anticipating changes. Things have been quite good.
We know that I use physical motion -exercise-to alter some of my neurochemistry and keep a bottom on my depression. The forced limited activity I’ve experienced since the diagnosis of a SLAP lesion meant I lost much of that physical control over my condition. At the same time, the constant pain increased some of the negative hormones starting a downward spin. Frustration added to the stress.
And I became isolated and lonely. This has magnified dramatically since my surgery – taking disability to heal and losing all my clients in the meantime. (no clients means no reason for them to welcome me back. I’ve been let go. Oh Joy!)
The limited activity has also meant I’ve gained back all the weight I lost 4 years ago and am now the heaviest I’ve been in my life. NOT the best way to inspire confidence in future PT clients. Or myself.
The result: a huge frakkin dose of depression that built so gradually I didn’t really notice it happening until I knew I was buried in a dark, deep hole. A hole so all-encompassing that I couldn’t talk about it and couldn’t talk about anything else. A funk so funky I could only spend the day dealing with coping behaviors, doing little or nothing to claw my way out.
You may have noticed this only my silence.
My doctor has offered me a couple options to get myself back up on my feet and moving again. I am experimenting with drugs and dosages, but already think I know where this will end up. In a couple weeks I’ll know for sure. I’m encouraged because only a couple days out I could clearly see that the depression was fogging my brain so much that I couldn’t communicate.
I’m not a bad blogger. I’m a depressed blogger.
And I’m getting better.
So let’s hit “RESET” on this blog -maybe give me until 1/1/12 to nail some things in my brain down- and then get cracking again.
I’ve learned a lot from looking back over my blogging history- but this is the first time I realized that I can actually track my mental health my reading what I’ve done and not done in the past. Have you ever looked back to see what you can learn from your blogging? Want to share an insight or two with me?