Tracking My Demon: Depression

I have been blogging for something akin to 8 years now -on 3 different blogs in 2 different platforms plus my 5 year stint as a Contributing Editor for BlogHer.  I’ve been picked up by Huffington Post.  In that time, I’ve had periods where I have blogged multiple times a day, blogged on a schedule, blogged every weekday on multiple blogs.
I’ve NEVER blogged as inconsistently as I have been over last year or so. This past year, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about writing:

  • Do I think I have nothing to share with others about living a healthy life?  NO.
  • Do I feel irrelevant because the “back theme” of my writing is slanted to the impacts of menopause on healthy living?  A little.  With most in the blogging community in their 30s and 40s, that might put me on a specialized track.  But most of what I write about applies if you are 15 or 115.
  • Have I lost my passion?  No.

So obviously the problem has nothing to do with blogging itself.  The challenge sits firmly in a different direction.  I believe I may have finally figured it out.

Last week, I had my annual check up with my friendly and fabulous neurologist.  I was sent to him when I started reacting badly to the meds my doctor used to help me through my insomnia.  Since then, we’ve been adjusting my meds and anticipating changes.  Things have been quite good.

We know that I use physical motion -exercise-to alter some of my neurochemistry and keep a bottom on my depression.  The forced limited activity I’ve experienced since the diagnosis of a SLAP lesion meant I lost much of that physical control over my condition.  At the same time, the constant pain increased some of the negative hormones starting a downward spin.  Frustration added to the stress.

And I became isolated and lonely.  This has magnified dramatically since my surgery – taking disability to heal and losing all my clients in the meantime.  (no clients means no reason for them to welcome me back.  I’ve been let go.  Oh Joy!)

The limited activity has also meant I’ve gained back all the weight I lost 4 years ago and am now the heaviest I’ve been in my life.  NOT the best way to inspire confidence in future PT clients.  Or myself.

The result: a huge frakkin dose of depression that built so gradually I didn’t really notice it happening until I knew I was buried in a dark, deep hole.  A hole so all-encompassing that I couldn’t talk about it and couldn’t talk about anything else.  A funk so funky I could only spend the day dealing with coping behaviors, doing little or nothing to claw my way out.

You may have noticed this only my silence.

My doctor has offered me a couple options to get myself back up on my feet and moving again.  I am experimenting with drugs and dosages, but already think I know where this will end up.  In a couple weeks I’ll know for sure.  I’m encouraged because only a couple days out I could clearly see that the depression was fogging my brain so much that I couldn’t communicate.

I’m not a bad blogger.  I’m a depressed blogger.

And I’m getting better.

So let’s hit “RESET” on this blog -maybe give me until 1/1/12 to nail some things in my brain down- and then get cracking again.

I’ve learned a lot from looking back over my blogging history- but this is the first time I realized that I can actually track my mental health my reading what I’ve done and not done in the past.  Have you ever looked back to see what you can learn from your blogging?  Want to share an insight or two with me?

 

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11 responses to “Tracking My Demon: Depression

  1. This makes me sad:

    And I became isolated and lonely.

    I’m so sorry for your struggles but hopeful that you have found some answers. I think we all get blogging malaise but this went deeper.

  2. Katy, thanks.

    Yep, way deeper. And it took so long to realize it. I’ve been depressed most of my life with big gaps where I’m fine. Hoping to get myself back up where I was soon.

  3. Hi Deb! Oy, I know how this is… I mean, I thankfully don’t suffer anything quite as severe, but the mild lows I have experienced have had this same creeping progression, where all of a sudden you find yourself deep in it one day. :(

    I’m happy to hear you’re aware of it now and have support to bring yourself up & out, to a more balanced happy place. Awareness is powerful – and neat you were able to look at your blogging as a gauge, too.

    Sending you big hugs! xoxo

  4. My dear Twitter friend: while I’m sad to read about your struggle, I’m glad to get a deeper look into you. I applaud you for stepping back and taking a hard look at what is happening. It’s obvious you want to change things for the better. If you need some time away from the blog to find what that change needs to be, so be it.

    For me: I’ve been open about my struggle with anxiety/depression for a few months now on my blog and it has been very helpful for me. Writing this post was tremendously freeing: http://www.poiseinparma.com/2010/08/29/owning-it-versus-being-owned/

    Sending you all the love from the CLE this evening. If you need it at anytime, don’t be afraid to let me know.

  5. I consistently go back and look at where I was…actually I have done that for many, many years even before blogging. i have years, and years, and years of journals that I often go back so I can see just how far I have come!

  6. Ah Deb… Interesting, I had a feeling “something” was going on with you even though we barely know eachother. I’m so glad you shared this with us – there are lots of folks with similar experiences, in different phases of depression. And I’m sure you will find support. I have a very close friend who is going through something similar – and his insomnia really triggered him to follow a path which has eventually led him to anti-depressant medication. He’s been doing lots of “whole life” work – so desperate to even try yoga, see a counselor and other things that he wouldn’t have ever imagined. What I can say, is that he is on the mend. And yes, the exercise is a big factor in the brain chemistry – so your last few months have definitely taken their toll on many levels.

    Oh gosh – I just wish I could give you a squeeze now!

    SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE

  7. Deb you’re strong and courageous for sharing this. You’re a toughie on the outside but you’re lovable. Did you know that? It’s very clear, otherwise I wouldn’t gravitate towards you. I hope you’ll still be around, and when you get back to blogging, I’ll be here to read. In the meantime, if you need anything, I’m a good ear. Luv & xxx

  8. Oh Deb! I had no idea you were struggling so much! I can totally relate to depression sneaking up on you. That’s totally the same for me. I’m glad you’ve recognized it and are taking steps to treat it. You are a strong lady and you’ll come through this even stronger! Thanks for letting us know.

  9. Pingback: 2011 Goals:Focus On The Me of NOW | Weight For Deb

  10. Pingback: Celebrate 2010: Weight for Deb - FITBLOGGER : FITBLOGGER

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